Ouch. Ouch. Ouch!! Take a look at this article, guys. The reasoning is quite true *sighs guiltily*.

Downloading songs for free

I seldom download songs online, primarily because my internet line is too slow and I would rather spend a few dollars to get an mp3 disc from S&M shopping complex than waste hours and ringgit online just searching and downloading songs at 42 000 bps! Neither am I willing to spend RM39 and above for a piece of CD containing 17 songs or less. It's illogical. But I do buy original CDs of classical albums, because it's pretty tedious to keep up with the tracks in cassette. And sometimes I wonder-- most of these Western artists are _rich_, so insanely rich! Would me buying a pirated CD affect their livelihood T_T;;?

Sigh.... but this article did strike a chord in me. It's really quite true. I'll try. I'll try.

Bye guys! Enjoy the day! (When is PoT BOX 3 coming??? *wails* I miss my TEZUKA!)

Woohoo!! After 2 years, I've finally updated Chapter 5 of my Sailormoon fic, "THE GOLDEN CRYSTAL" *throws confetti*! Also edited my other fic, "My Sempai".

Yesterday I also spotted my name in pg 11 of the STAR newspaper-- in a congratulatory advertisement by my college ^_^.

*winces* Liverpool lost to Chelsea, 1-2! It was so painful. Can't believe Michael Owen's first penalty kick went wide O_o;;. Nevermind.... Even van Nistelroy and Pires missed their penalty kicks! LIVERPOOL, GANBATTE!!!

Hi everyone!! Thanks for the congratulations -- to those I contacted/found out through others. I really appreciate it *HUGS*! Thanks again!

Today my parents accompanied me to my college to take my certificate and prize money. Woohoo, I'm RM 500 richer! Also got to meet my classmates again, and introduced them to my parents. It's nice to let my parents meet my friends personally, and their respective families. I've told my family so much about them so at least now they can put a face to the names.

Anyway, I bought this magazine about scrapbooking from POPULAR bookstore on impulse. The hobby seems so nice, I'm so taken in and I suddenly feel like making scrapbooks of special photos! hah, being the anime girl, I am also thinking of making nice scrapbooks of my favourite anime (EVANGELION and Rurouni Kenshin!) and anime characters (Tezuka, Mamoru and Tatsumi *spazzes*!!). And I think it'll be perfect to store my growing postcard collection. Met Kirti from Malacca and he gave me some GORGEOUS postcards of his hometown! I'm currently surfing the net for more scrapbook sites-- I don't even know how big the paper should be! But oh, this hobby is so lovely!! Check out this website.

Lastly, GANBATTE, Mei Ling!!! By the way, GOLDEN CRYSTAL Chapter 5 is ready! Wait and I'll notify you when I update my website and my fanfiction.net account. Yay!

I was looking through my Edinburgh prospectus this morning, and a shiver of excitement ran down my spine. I'm finally, FINALLY able to know that I'm going to Edinburgh. My A-Levels results, praise god, satisfied the requirements.

5 A's!!!

When I reached school I was congratulated by a friend of mine who got 5 A's. It really made me excited because he was at the ground level and I was on the 1st floor looking down at him. I took a look at the results outside the office, and saw my name. It was unbelievable-- it felt so unreal! I was controlling myself, because I was thinking that as long as I don't see my results slip I'm not going to celebrate yet. Then I was given a brown envelope, and there was a note stuck at the bottom of the envelope, saying congratulations and inviting me for the prize presentation. I reached into the envelope and pulled out my results slips. And oh what a wonderful feeling-- it was really true! *looks up in wonder* Praise you, Jesus lord!! There really IS nothing you can't do!!

I was also able to accompany Steph to take her results. Steph, if you're reading this, I just want you to know that I'm so proud of you. You may be disappointed with Bio, but overall you improved so much compared to the past AS last year! See you and Steve this Saturday. And yes, yes, it'll be my treat ^_~.

It's been so long-- it was a little unreal to finally know the outcome of this. 2 years of studying, 2 and a half months of waiting for the results.... There were times I did badly in tests and term/trial exams compared to the other JPA scholars (and those who received Edinburgh offers), and I really was afraid, wondering whether I was simply incompetent. It's like I've been digging through a mountain, and finally I've emerged on the other side, greeted by fresh air and the most beautiful scenery of nature!

Woke up with a start at 6.30 am sharp from a nightmare. I'm not kidding-- I actually dreamt of receiving my results. In it my college's principal gathered all the students in the assembly hall, and started to announce the results. He began from 5As, 4As, and finally 3 As. My friends's names were announced with much rapture, but to my growing horror my name was never mentioned *moans*!

When I woke up in darkness I was so glad it was just a dream! JUST A DREAM!! Praise God (I was that grateful ^_^)! I was so disturbed! We're leaving my house half an hour from now to collect our results -- My principal called home yesterday when Steph and I went out, reminding that we could collect our results at 10 am.

GOD! Let Your will be done!!

Pray for my friends and me, if you guys can *hugs*!

*yelps* EEECK! I accidentally deleted a fanmail from my inbox as I was cleaning up the junk mail *sighs in regret*.

Tomorrow is THE DAY *chokes*. I'm having Stephanie over at my house, since she came all the way from Penang to collect her results. It's great to have a friend at home-- Since Jia Hui, I've been happy to play host to my outstation friends ^_^. And I've never felt so pleased before-- showing my guest my small manga collection. Hee, hee. Yami no Matsuei (Book 5 is the BEST!!!!), Sailormoon, X (she was pretty impressed by the bookjacket *beams*), and Rurouni Kenshin. Today I think I shall bring her for a walk at Petaling Street.

Leareth-chan!! Aho-ho-ho! Opened my inbox just now ^_^. Finally I get the whole story. Let's hope the guy got your message perfectly *wink*. And thanks for sharing with me your opinion about the shonen-ai/yaoi entry I wrote last Thursday *huggles*. The feeling is indescribable *smiles*.

Adeline, if you're reading this, I met Jean Chan Li Hwa at Midvalley Megamall yesterday! When our eyes met, we kept looking at each other, not really sure whether it was really who we thought it was *laughs*! Finally we squealed (I yelled *sweatdrop*) each other's name ^_^. We sat down with one of her friends, catching up with one another. I was really happy to see her!

Everyone, I can't just help it! But here's a link to a girl called Becky, and her wonderful description about Tezuka Kunimitsu (Mamolove melts in a puddle of drool). And although I've decided not to indulge in shonen-ai, I was rather surprised that there was somebody else who enjoyed the interaction between Tezuka and Atobe Keigo *sweatdrop*. Yes, yes. Tezuka's my favourite Prince of Tennis character. Please show his rehabilitation in Germany!! I miss my Tezuka ^_^! He is SO kind, passionate, caring, selfless, self-controlled, mature *spazzes*! And his frameless spectacles *spazzes again*!

Tezuka, the tennisman!

Ok.... Good luck to Mei Ling for her test!

Phew. It's unnerving that at this same time, tomorrow, I will be holding the brown envelope containing my A-Levels results. I'm really scared, but deep in my heart, I know God knows what's best for me. Kaleena have confidence in Him. Your AS results will help alot too, y'know! I really pray for the best for you tomorrow *hugs tightly*.

Yes, Lord, let YOUR will, and not mine, be done.

I'M GOING INSANE!! I'm starting to feel the creeps already, my A-Levels results will be released this Thursday. I was okay last week, but then today I checked out a messageboard my college JPA classmates shared, and they're freaked out. It made ME scared too *groan*.

I also can't help feeling peeved. It's not as if she can't give me a call. Sometimes I think I should just give up on her. Why is it that she can spend HOURS on end just chatting online with her friends, when she can't even return my call? I feel hurt the time I called her, because she told me she was actually in the middle of an online chat. Okayyy... I thought. Already she succeeded in making me feel bad. I feel like crying. I think she delights in showing me how much I hardly matter to her. I think she delights in yielding the power to simply ignore me and appreciate others more. And in no instance does she show the SLIGHTEST INTEREST to take the initiative to arrange a meeting. I'm tired of the rotten way this particular person makes me feel. She's going to justify that she's too busy, and not even make a sincere, personal apology. So much for being a friend.

I'm wrapping myself up in a coccoon. Bye.

Hello people, how are you all? It's been 3 weeks since I last blogged! Happy Birthday (yesterday) to Shairil, my very old and good otomodachi! Don't forget to meet *poke poke* ^_^. Miss you alot *glomps*!!

Honestly speaking, there has been a specific reason that's been preventing me from blogging. Apart from my daily routine of going out and meeting friends for lunch, writing essays for competitions, dancing, and spending time with my parents and cute siblings, I actually had plenty of time to blog each day.

But somehow I couldn't. There was something niggling within me-- an issue which I kept trying to dodge and ignore. I've tried to silence it, but in the end, it simply made me ignore blogs altogether. I can't keep it down any longer though. It's time for me to write about what my conscience has been saying to me.

If you guys are uncomfortable with the tone of today's entry, you ought to brave yourselves, and be honest enough to ask yourselves these hard questions.

You see, I *love* anime and manga. For the past 3 years, I think I've come to an age where I seem to gravitate towards stories with very good-looking guys in them. Titles like Weiss Kreuz, Rurouni Kenshin, Yami no Matsuei, and currently Prince of Tennis... The guys in them are gorgeous! I love the guys, the plot, the action, the camaraderie in those shows/manga, and somehow simply watching the episodes or reading the manga wasn't enough. I wanted more, and so I searched for fanfiction and dounjinshi. The first few dounjinshis didn't appeal to me, so I lost interest in them. But fanfiction opened a completely new world to me.

That's when I started becoming a shonen-ai and yaoi fan.

My favourite pairings were especially TatsumixTsuzuki (Yami no Matsuei), YoujixAya (Weiss Kreuz), AoshixKenshin (Rurouni Kenshin). There were many more, but the first two pairings were *very* much my favourites. The stories about them were superb, first-class-- The unresolved attraction, sexual tension, angst, loyalty-- AARGH! I simply loved it. I've smiled, even rubbed my hands in glee as I indulged in fantasies about Tezuka/Atobe or Tezuka/Fuji (Prince of Tennis). I also squealed in delight just thinking about the story potential between the Emperor/Broken Sword (Hero)! And sometimes it was just plain fun reading about Seiya's hidden attraction for Mamoru.

When I indulged in these hobbies, I could feel a slight twinge of guilt. It grew to a point when I can actually think "God doesn't really mind", or "I'm not doing anything wrong." I am a girl, and a girl's got her fancies. Hhhmph, better with animated male characters than with real-life guys! That was how I pacified my guilt. Denying it. It sure was easier and less painful than looking at myself from God's perspective.

Subsequently, when I was knee-deep in this fancy, God seemed really far away. In fact, I might as well have nodded, "Yes, God doesn't really exist." Yeah, I thought, that had better be true, because if He really existed, I'd be in big trouble!! For God does not tolerate homosexuality.

I've tried to reason with myself-- I'm not homosexual. It's just that I like *reading* about them. Honestly, I thought I was doing the right thing-- After all, I skipped parts of explicit sex scenes, and I only go for the intellectual material describing their conflicts and emotions. That couldn't be wrong, right? I've read stories of them taking care of each other when one of them was ill, and it made me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. Surely that wasn't wrong either, right? What's wrong for a girl like me to fancy such drool-worthy men being partners with each other? I'm *female*, you know! I have estrogen!

Yes I know that's true... But that doesn't make it okay. I could hear it-- my conscience was speaking ever so gently.

And deep down in my heart, I knew it wasn't right.

I realised that God didn't actually have a problem with my anime/manga. Neither was it wrong to like my anime guys (without thinking of them day and night, of course. If the infatuation is too hot, that's idolatry). It was my addiction to homosexual pairings of them, that was the problem. This was what made God seemed so distant, nearly non-existent. The guilt also made me feel as though God would not want to have anything to do with me. But when you don't even let Him into your life, how can you be close to Him?

Consciously indulging in *imagining* homosexual relations compared to *being* in homosexual relations makes no difference in God's compassionate yet sharp eyes. It makes no difference if you're basically a kind, caring person, who isn't homosexual. It is still a sin. Just like pornography, yaoi can twist your mind till you can't think straight anymore. You begin to pair up guys you fancy, be it in shows or real life. A lingering gaze, a meaningful phrase spoken by the male leads to one another, will be speculated and nibbled on with glee. And soon enough, you'll find yourself unable to NOT condone homosexuality. That's the dangerous thing-- moral and spiritual apathy.

Understandably, it's not easy to let go, especially when it brings so much delight and fun. I've spoken very honestly about this to God, how I didn't want to offend the friends I've made and come to treasure, and he is always faithful for He cares. Not just for me, but for them as well. I may think that I might offend them, but it may be His will that they need to read about this and know that there is another who struggles with the same problem. I've asked Him to help me break this bondage. Amazingly when I decided to "experiment" on a fast (not on meals, but on shonen-ai/yaoi fanfiction), it became easier each day. Sure, there were withdrawal symptoms (like itching with curiosity "com'on! I need to know what happens to Aya!"), but the discomfort was negligible compared to the knowledge that God was proud of what I was doing. Believe me, there is a quiet awareness of God's approval/non-approval on ANY thing that you do. There is peace. As long as you don't seek gratification by yaoi thoughts, it's in the right direction. That's what I strongly believe. I'm not a monk. I'm not square. You know me, and I'm just like any other female otaku fan. But I know that God cares for me. For all of us.

This is one of the most difficult entries I have ever written in my blog. I wasn't happy to write about it, but avoiding the blog and evading the issue wasn't giving me peace either. As long as reading it has helped you in a way or another, I'm glad enough.

Take care, friends.

Hi everyone!! How are you? I'm feeling fine, although rather concerned for Mei Ling. Oi, girl, I feel sorry for you, that your friend could pull away without even considering how close the both of you were last year. In fact, I feel angry, but I just don't have the heart to say it with the intensity simmering inside me, knowing how much you'll defend her. For that I respect you. The rejection is painful, and the effect leaves a dull ache which can really hurt when you see her happily chirping with her other friends. But please, try to let go. Don't even try to reason what's going on. Be at peace with her. Everyone hopes to be loved and appreciated, but sometimes the people who trusted you so whole-heartedly may suddenly pull back. It is perplexing, since it was THEY who yearned for friendship in the first place. But nevertheless, perhaps she's distancing herself from you. For what reason, I don't know, or rather, I cannot accept. Perhaps she feels exposed, as you know her so well-- about her habits, moods, bouts of inferiority and depression... Perhaps. And maybe she needs some space, to maybe change her personality. Let it go for now, and let's watch how things develop ok?

Right. Wanna share some happenings with you all yaay!!

1. Met Leareth and Masako!
I finally met Leareth-chan last Friday! It was great, as I could finally put a face to the name ^_^. Thanks for your autograph, Leareth, it's obviously the genki-est entry in my book *smiles*. Masako too, with Zhin, and Mei Ling! I had a really nice time with you all, thanks, Masako, for introducing me to that shop in Petaling Street for lunch ^_^! Hmmm... I wonder why, when I spoke to you on the phone, I had trouble following you because of your accent, but when we were talking to each other that Friday, there was no such problem anymore. I wonder why ^_^?

2. I like Tezuka!
Ooops. Said that already in my previous entry.

3. Princess Mononoke
I purchased the DVD when I went shopping at S&M with Leareth and Masako. The experience of watching the DVD, and not the Cantonese VCD, was amazing. I'm still new to DVDs, having watched only Shairil's Escaflowne and Ayashi no Ceres DVDs. I still feel a rush inside me when I view such _clear_ and crisp visuals, and listening to such excellent sound. Even the English dubbing was superb, in my humble opinion. I really liked Prince Ashitaka's voice actor's performance, Billy Crudup. Don't know the guy, but he's good!

Anyway, that's beside the point. I found the show really disturbing, with it's creepy and majestic BGM/theme song. So disturbing that after watching it with my family, I had a really queer dream. In that dream, I found myself in the hospital Hemlocke-san was working in. The details, like me meeting Leareth that Friday, and my apologies to Hemlocke-san for not being able to visit her in Singapore, was not lost to my dreamself.....

In that dream, I knew I was in Singapore, and was actually jubilant that I got free lodging-- In a hospital *slaps head*! In that dream, I wake up and find a woman sleeping in the other bed next to mine. At the same time, the news programme on TV reports that a medical student had apparently tried to jump off her dormitary's double decker bed, and had nearly broken her neck in the process. Notice that it's "...off the double decker" and not "...off a building" ^_^;;.

I look at the chick beside me, noting her neck brace. So I ask her, "Are you the one they're talking about?". And she woke up, and in her biker-chick-grunge style, snorted yes. I asked why, and she said "I didn't like medical school. My parents forced me into it."

As I am reading this, I can understand if you may not find anything queer at all. But I did-- up to this part, I know my mind had somehow conjured up a dream from my excitement and nervousness to begin medical school. It's not me that's being forced into medical school-- it's a close friend of mine, who was coerced to study medicine by family and teachers just because he had gotten 3 As in his STPM. I'm actually really happy for him now, because he had the courage to actually pull out of the university just after the first week he was in the medical faculty. I still feel abit shocked, to hear of his decision to skip a whole year and try to apply for another course next year, but nevertheless, I really admire his strength. I wonder whether I would ever have the courage to do what he did, had I been forced to study... say accountancy just because "I got A's" in accounts and the sorts. I probably would not, could not, as I'll be too afraid to take that plunge after going through that much paperwork of getting accepted by the university. This stinks, and it's not really nice to admit this cowardly part of myself. But because of this very lack of courage, I just make sure that I don't put myself in such a compromising situation! I won't even CONSIDER doing something simply on the pretext of getting good academic results. I'm so proud of what my friend did, but apparently, the ordeal he went through left an impression on me and crept into my dream. I should be strong like these friends of mine (boys and girls you know who you are ^_~!)

After snorting yes, and telling me why she did it, that spunky girl got up, and jumped towards me (I was still in bed, snuggled nicely). And Hemlocke-san, I don't know what prompted me, but I just genki-ly shot up and chirped excitedly to her, "...Then you must know Dr. (Hemlocke's) name!!". And we rejoiced when she said she did know you and that she was your colleague. And we ran to your quarters in that hospital. And we rejoiced again when we found you inside.

Here comes the funny part. Hemlocke was sitting on her study chair, and after glomping and jumping in giddy excitement, I proceeded to raid her desk to see what had occupied her rapt attention. Instead of patients data, or even a stetoscope, I found Prince of Tennis DVDs, a keychain of Ashitaka, and proceeded to notice her gorgeous Princess Mononoke table lamp. We happily chit chatted, showing and looking at photos of my outing with Leareth and hers at Singapore Cosplay, while the colleague who had supposedly injured her neck non-chalantly plopped down at the study table next to us to continue her revision.

This, I intepret as a resignation to the fact that you may be sick and tired of studying, but you simply gotta do what you gotta do *laughs*. I notice that even as a practising doctor, that colleague still had to study. I think I got that fragment from my working attachment in the hospital last year-- my mentor had shown me his medical books, which he still referred to when he had no patients to tend to ^___^. Seeking knowledge must be continuous, I guess, hahah!

I spot another Mononoke table lamp on a table at the corner of the room, with a GETBACKERS poster pasted on the wall. I don't know why, but I chirped to Hemlocke, "Where is Shairil?". "She's busy, doing rounds!"

It was at this point that my other self-- the perplexed, audience part of myself, realised that it was getting too strange to be real. At that moment, I woke up. This was why I SMSed you, Hemlocke-san! *giggles* Yes, this is the whole story.

Thinking back, I think the dream involved the people I've been wanting to meet again *grin*. I really miss Shairil. But I don't want to disturb her.... I ought to arrange a meeting with you, ne? Eh, has your house phone number changed by the way? The Mononoke table lamp and Ashitaka keychain _must_ have been due to the fact that the movie disturbed me and left such a wonderful impression on me *sweatdrop*.

Okay, I've written enough for the moment. Haven't been blogging these few days because I'm working on some essay(s) for some competition(s). Hoping to gain some income during this holiday. I am mentally tired. I'll see you guys later! Bye-bye!

Whoa. It's been so long since I blogged. Not even feeling up to it. I seriously don't even know how to BEGIN *sweatdrop*.

For all my friends, GOMEN NASAIII!!!!!! This blog would have died had it not been for your urging me (and threatening me *nervous laugh*) to update.

Well, as usual, my HTML commands have gone down the drain. Too lazy to use them at the moment hee, hee. Well, did you two have a good time at the Singapore Cosplay?? Bet you guys did! Leareth, meeting you tomorrow *grins*. Wanna see pics of you in Masako's Yuna outfit *grin*! Mei Ling will be there too ^_^.

Hey, Shairil, how have you been? You haven't been replying my SMS and you owe me mail ^___^ *pokes Shairil*.

Right, basically, after the A-Levels ended, I wasn't prepared to blog. I really don't know why-- when I was preparing and taking my exams, I had lots of experiences, emotions, and thoughts to write about, but there was no computer during those particular moments. Eventually, I started losing interest in blogging because there were just so many things to update and catch up on. I would be lying to you guys if I didn't say that there were other preoccupations which proved equally if not more enjoyable than finding a computer to blog. I've been discouraged, sad, angry, happy, funny, afraid-- a whole range of roller-coaster emotions for the past 2 months. I am sorry that I did not share them with you, friends, or even tell you how I was doing on a regular basis. *chuckles*, but I do remember my tag-board being more alive than my blog entries! *laughs*, oh, the FIRE in it, during the David-Beckham-tranfer-speculation! Thanks especially to Rebecca, for being so passionate about it ^_^!

Last week I had to attend a camp organised by the Public Service Department, by the Biro Tata Negara. It was in Meru, Klang. The lectures and group discussions were dull and tiresome, but the last 2 days were awesome! I simply love the physical activities. I will always remember the jungle trekking experience. We took 2 hours exactly, to reach a resting spot in the jungle, and another 2 hours to return to our camp! The route was far and tough. We HAD to reach the resting spot because our lunch was waiting for us there *sweatdrop*. The trip was over many hills, so you can imagine how tiring it was. The inclination was so sharp, there was a short trek where we were almost 45 degrees inclined from the horizontal, and we had to dig our fingers into the jungle floor just to climb up that hill. I am not joking.

After lunch, it started to rain! At first I thought our facilitators would let us run back to the highway so that we didn't need to go through the jungle again, but to my horror, as we walked/ran in single file, the ones ahead of me were directed _into_ the jungle *wince*. The rain was heavy-- I had to take off my spectacles constantly just to flick off the droplets of water clinging to it. Hehehhe, if only I had an automatic wiper on my spectacles ^_^!

We had to pass through a different route this time-- apart from climbing the steep hills (and sliding down occasionally because of the water cascading down on us), we had to go through the swamp area. It was my very first time going through a swamp-- dark, cold, and very narrow. Many of the trees had fine thorns on them, so we had to walk very slowly on the roots and make sure we didn't lose our balance and grabbed those thorny branches in reflex.

Let me tell you: It's easier said than done.

Many of the girls were too short to stretch their legs in order to leap from root to root. When they landed on unstable terrain, they would slip, and there you have it *wince*. Thorn in flesh, literally. I resorted to just sacrificing my shoes and pants, and I walked through the thick mud. It was deep-- up to my lower thighs. Woo-hoo, plenty of thigh exercise *chuckles*! There were some of my friends who couldn't bring their legs up because their shoes were stuck underneath! We were toiling and helping each other, heaving and pulling one another out of the mud.

We were so tired by the time we reached our camp again. My shoes were caked in mud, and my the ankle-part of my trackbottoms had water collecting in them that I looked like Ali Baba with those puffy pants *laughs*! But seriously, that 4 hours will be one of my most memorable adventures. We were so satisfied with the journey.

Oh, and just thought I should share a piece of good news: During the camp, I had to leave to attend a prize giving ceremony at the Petronas Twin Towers. I won consolation prize in an essay competition organised by British Petroleum. It was such a pleasant surprise, because I wrote the essay while getting strained and tense for my A-Levels. The ceremony was held in the Malaysian Petroleum Club-- it's at the highest floor of the Twin Towers. My gosh, the view is _awesome_. And the clubhouse was really posh till it made me uncomfortable. Even my sister was denied entry to see me take the prize because she was a child. It sucked, because in the end, my mom couldn't enter as well because she had to be with my sister, and only my father could accompany me. God willing, there'll be a time when I can bring my mom to the place. Edwin, Stephanie, thanks for really helping me out on the research material. Liked the sushi lunch at Genki Sushi, Steph? And how bout you Edwin? We'll try to find a time when both you and Mei Ling can meetup.

The experience was nice, and would have been better had my whole family been granted entry. After the prize-giving ceremony, we had lunch, buffet style. The prize winners got to sit with the Chief Judge and President of BP, as well as the Deputy Minister of The Science, Technology and Environment Ministry. It was really sheer luck-- the Chief Judge and I got to talk about Edinburgh! He studied in Edinburgh for a few years as well, and it was a great time listening to his description and explanation of the city and the university. Imagine the coincidence!

You guys still with me? *laughs* Ah.... Remember I had a crush? Hemlocke-san asked about him too. Well, there've been plenty of good memories, and a few not-so-happy ones. I've been to a point where I was so frustrated that we kept bumping into each other (at very random places and time, but always everyday!!)-- The pent up feelings were torturous. But I'm glad nothing happened between the both of us. Friends. That's all, and I'm happy with it. There can be times when the heartache would come so suddenly and I would feel like the cheapest, biggest loser in the planet, but those pangs of longing aren't often. Now that college is over, I am saved from his presence and influence hahahahah. And besides, *whispers*.... I've got a new crush!

TEZUKA KUNIMITSU!

I've watched 75 episodes at of Prince of Tennis at my good friend's house, Christine, and *dreamy sigh*, the Seigaku captain is by far my favourite character in the show. He's coming close to Mamoru Chiba now *grin*. By episode 24/25, where he was playing with Ryoma to improve Ryoma's skills, my interest had been piqued. And by the end of the tournament between Tezuka and Atobe, yours truly was beyond the point of no return (fangirl-heaven).

Don't you think Tezuka looks like Tatsumi? I adore those two!

Hi friends! Did you guys watch the game last night, between Liverpool and West Bromwich? It was great fun!! And guess what the score was? 6-0, Liverpool winning the game. Michael Owen scored *4* goals. Lately I noticed that he's been scoring goals outside the box. He didn't use to score that way last year. Often Michael Owen's style is to go one-on-one with the goalkeeper (which is breathtaking each time he does it!), but he's done a couple of far-range, and very angled shots. I'm so proud of him [beams ala fangirl].

Yeah, I know it's highly unlikely for Liverpool to climb to the top of the Premiership, but if they're going to win like this for the remaining 4 games (if I'm not mistaken), AND end the season above Everton, then I'm glad *grin*. It's also interesting to watch Michael slowly change his style of attack. He's got a lot of mental strength and character, in my humble opinion. He receives so much, SO MUCH criticism for his performance while having to shoulder the pressure of scoring goals (sometimes alone!), that it's amazing he doesn't just snap. Congrats, Michael! And congrats, Liverpool! (I'm happy too, Rebecca *grin*)

Something unsettled me though: Milan Baros. It's been happening a few times in some games, but yesterday's game was particularly disturbing to me. He and Owen seem to be fighting to score the goals. I might be biased, but I can't help feeling this way. When Baros scored his first goal from a scuffle in front of the goal, to me, I think it was unnecassary-- Owen could have netted it into the net without his interference. And when Owen was about to score his second goal, Baros actually came rushing towards that ball. It was awkward to see him crashing over Michael as Michael stormed the ball into the goal. I know there might be a possibility that Baros only wanted to make sure that the ball went into the goal, but it left a bad taste in my mouth. What was he thinking, stealing Owen's shots like that? You don't see Van Nistelrooy crashing into Scholes do you?

Oh well, I know there's rumour of some degree of competitiveness between Owen and Baros, something which you don't see at all between Owen and Heskey, because the latter pairing is more unselfish, sharing and understanding. When Heskey and Owen play together, they compliment each other so well you can see the trust and eagerness to help the other. But in the Owen-Baros partnership, sometimes it pains me to see the two of them trying to play hero. To me, it feels as though that there's this intangible competitiveness between Owen and Baros. It's like some unspoken tension that nobody is acknowledging officially, but everyone is seeing on the field, via body language.

On a lighter note, the image of Sakuragi-Rukawa bickering actually popped into my anime-contaminated mind *laughs*! Both trying to outdo one another, and in the process, doing wonders for the team *chuckles*.

Hi guys, how are you? It's been so long.... So long since I bothered to log into pitas. Ok, here's a summary of what happened in my life in March:

1.A-Levels Trial Exams
Right, I think this was the time where silent wars were flying-- competition and *gulp* table-biting habits developed. I can't say I had it easy-- I would like to think that I studied quiet hard, in those little spurts of study-power I had. But I also realised another thing: When I'm challenged, I seem to be unable to resist myself from accepting it and trying my best to win it. But anyway, trials are over, and I can roundly say that I didn't do well in Chemistry *melodramatic sobs*.

But it feels good to be able to do an exam well. To me, although I know I won't get 80% or somewhere above that, I still felt it was good that I was able to answer many questions which I would not have been able to answer at all had I not studied. I improved alot on my lab skills, so I'm hoping I'll score higher in this trial's lab exam compared to my previous term exams. And it felt so satisfying to answer difficult questions. At least I felt satisfied for the challenge, because it wasn't taken from any revision book where some bloke could have just read it and memorised the answers.

Maybe the reason why I felt quite happy with this trial exam was because it was _hard_. Hehehhe, knock me with a hammer *grin*.

2.The Love Bug
No, it didn't bite me, but it seemed to bite EVERYONE around me. *snorts*, which also lead to table-biting habits being developed by yours truly. I tell you, I nearly gave up on the Chinese male population in Malaysia! All they seem to want are girls with the following features:

Don't laugh, because I got called that by one of my friends' boyfriend.

This, coming from the person I had to play "middle-person". It was so hurtful, and it made me cry alone in my bedroom. I wanted to retort, "You're rather short for a guy, taugeh-boy!

3.The Crush
But all hope is not gone *chuckles*. I was able to go out more often with my friends, and surprisingly, my crush tagged along in one of the outing! The both of us also played video games once. He completely doesn't know I like him alot, and I'm happy with that. He must never know.

4.Edinburgh University Woo-hoo!! I GOT AN OFFER FROM EDINBURGH!!!!!!!!! *jumps up and down*! I'm taking it definitely! Sadly, many of my friends got rejected, so we won't be studying together anymore. It's unfair, sometimes. My friends score higher than me in exams. And they're not nerds at all. Many have amazing achievements, like being champion in the national physics olympiad, gymnast, and headboy and headgirls. I'm really shaken by the sheer amount of friends who were rejected. Only three people from my JPA intake got Edinburgh, and all happened to be girls. I'm really greatful to have gotten a place, and can't stop thanking JESUS for the blessings.

5.Trying to lose weight This, is becoming a joke. I think it has become a hobby, rather than a goal *laughs*. I've been working out seriously since Form 4, but until now, my body has yet to form any resemblance to that of an hour-glass. It's still STUCK IN ITS PEAR-SHAPE!!!!!! [Mamolove sulks in corner]

6.Socialising
It was fun, and COMPLETELY risky, come to think of it. My friends and I went out alot more during the trials and prior to that compared to last year. Isit because it's going to be our last times together? Maybe. But man! We went karaoke, ice-skating, movies, visited each other's houses and pigged out, played video games, and went out for late-night suppers. There was a point when I was going out with my JPA friends in the evening, and my other non-JPA friends at night, coming back at 2 am!! Tiring, but great experience, nevertheless. And which probably fired up my study-desperation *sweatdrop*.

7.Website breakdown
My website, "MAMORU FANFICTION" was closed down by crosswinds.net. Without warning *wails*! Now they no longer offer free hosting. I am obviously upset, and till now, haven't found a suitable server yet.

Well, so much for a summary. Basically, I also think I grew up abit this past month. I've come to accept the fact that I have to stop feeling obliged to please everyone. From past experience (the fallout I had with my circle of close friends) I thought I had to be *nice* all the time, or face punishment from them (boycott, isolation). But thanks to other friends, other *new*, yet equally concerned friends, I have to put the past behind me. I have to know who I am, and accept the fact that I'm unable to please EVERYBODY. I've come to treasure my college friends, because we accept each other, and when they can't tolerate my shortcomings, they TELL IT STRAIGHT in my face, personally. Not in a public confrontation like my friends in school resorted to.

Simple, one-on-one and heart-to-heart, and FACE-TO-FACE talk.

I want that, and I hope my good friends from school can accept me as who I am, and dish out our misgivings with courage and dignity. You know, my college friends and friends who aren't in the "school" good friends circle really helped me grow, because they would rather tell me straight, rather than keep a grudge, avoid the matter, isolate me emotionally, or backstab. I love them for that. Thanks guys, for helping me grow *hugs*.

To all of you guys out there-- as a friend, it's not wrong to point out your friends' mistakes, or bad habits. It may be painful to tell it, but that friend of yours will appreciate the correction. Just remember, do it with respect. A friend rebukes in love, but an enemy multiplies kisses. In fact, your friend would rather you correct her, instead of throw the friendship away without giving her a chance to correct herself. Don't be afraid to state out your conflicts. Holding back only makes the detachment greater, and in the end, you won't even recognise the bond you used to have.

Think about it.

Hi! Yesterday Pastor Sandra gave a really fantastic talk about praise in prayer. We should be praying from a point of victory, and try not to pray in sorrow and begging, @ a loser's prayer. Hear me out k?

Ok, praying from the point of victory is like praying with the intention of praising God for our victory in life, like "Thank you Jesus for this and that..." (even if you haven't even received what you asked for!) We really should be excited for God's plans for us. No matter in what pathetic state we're in, or what "losers" and not-so-spiritual people we think we may be, God sees us as THE END PRODUCT. He sees the potential in us! We may not see it ourselves, but He does.

Speaking about requests, often we ask for the wrong things. Like "please give me my 5 As" *sweatdrop*, we should instead be already PRAISING God for "Thank you Lord for the blessings that you've poured over my studies!" and also, it doesn't hurt requesting things, but try to also add and believe "... if this is not in accordance to your will, then THANK YOU again, for having a better plan for me!!"

Sounds radical, but it really is a powerful mindset. If you think about it, it really is better than starting prayer with "God, I am so worthless.... I am so sorry.... I can't keep up Your standards...." Or "Please *sob* *sob*, give me a life-partner!"

And so I experimented *grin*. Today. Even though I was abit scared for the Bio paper today I kept praising Him, saying "Thank you for giving me victory in my studies!!" *grin*, I think the best person to give you a pep talk is God himself! I believe it changed the way I answered the questions in today's paper. Hope you guys can benefit from this little sharing of mine.

And yes, I specifically want to mention somebody of importance: HEMLOCKE-san!!!!!!!! Congratulations!!! I am SO HAPPY for you!!! Friends, Hemlocke has just passed her final year medical school exam! She's an NUS graduate!!! Do you know how tough it is to even enter that university? So Hemlocke-san, CHEERS TO YOU!!!!!!! *gives a bear hug*!!!

Sometimes, I get so frustrated I feel like biting the table. Not only that, when I'm stressed up, it's almost always about PEOPLE. Something must be wrong with me.

Why did I even bother to help?! For this, LEARETH, I completely understand how your predicament a few days ago. Fine. Fine. FINE!!!!!!!!! I FEEL LIKE BITING THE TABLE!!!!!!!!

Hi everyone! I'm typing super fast coz I'll be off for classes soon, and there's a lot of stuffs that's been happening that I haven't gotten the time to write about *grin*.

Ok, guys and girls in PM 3 and PM2, THE BBQ PARTY WAS A BLAST!! PM 3 and PM 2 are two of the JPA classes in Taylor's. I'm in PM 3 and there're also some PETRONAS scholars (boys) with us. The two classes organised a BBQ party at Adaniah's house at Damansara and man! What a good time we had!

I was in charge of entertainment and games, so 2 weeks prior to our BBQ party that Saturday night, I organised a "GUARDIAN ANGEL-MORTAL" game. Each student would have a guardian angel whose identity is a mystery to him/her. Each person would also have a mortal (or "anak") to take care of. Girls would have guys as G.A, and vice versa ^_^. I was the middle man, and whoa!-- The response my friends gave to this game was quite surprising. I was like a busy little bee for 2 weeks, shuttling from class to class passing letters, messages, and gifts! They really enjoyed it (y'know, no matter what, people do enjoy getting suprise gifts from a mysterious person *laughs*), and everyone really got to know their assigned MORTALs and GUARDIAN ANGELS much better!

The food was good, we had bee hoon, satay Kajang, ketupat, Secret Recipe cake thanks to our Chemistry teacher, chocolate cake, egg tart, sandwiches, salads, sausages, chicken, fruits and junk food *chuckles*. I only got to eat one stick of the satay *wails*! The boys literally had 8 per person *laughs*!! But one thing all we girls agreed on: The PETRONAS guys are more "gentleman" than the JPA boys!! Hahahhaah! They did all the BBQ-ing, so the girls didn't have to get sweaty and stuffs. But of course, the girls did the rest, like preparing bee hoon and salads and cakes.

What I like about this kind of party is the level of participation the people give into it. Those who were too kiasu to offer to help or even attend, well, they missed out the fun. Thank God most attended, though! It still was nice, because while eating we really warmed up to each other, especially after discovering the identities of the Guardian Angels! It isn't just the fun on the day itself, but also the satisfaction of organising the party and seeing everything that you planned and worked for run well during the occasion itself.

Oh yeah.

Something happened.

[in mandarin sighs dreaminly...] "Tian-ah...."

You guys probably know that I like someone (see previous entries), but I haven't really talked about that person. In a way I'm a bit afraid to talk about him here, just because I'm too afraid someone who knows him might read this blog and spill the beans to him. Do you know it's very frustrating for me-- the attraction and tension is so tangible, it's painful at times! That's all. Stupid-la. Why on Earth do I have to experience this?

Ok, ok, let's jump to another topic! I had quite a pleasant surprise too when I received 3 gifts from my classmates!! They were
1.A teddy bear (From Petronas guys!)
2.Necklace (from apartmt B2006 girls!)
3.Handbag (my housemates and Nellie!)

It's really sweet of them. They insisted that I accepted the presents, because they said it was such a pity I was just delivering and passing presents around, but never receiving any. It's really very sweet of them, and I also received a THANK YOU card from them. Wah, so honoured and happy! I was really embarassed, and to be honest, realy, really touched by their generosity!

The party ended at about 12 midnight. After the party, me and my housemates went out for a drink with the JPA guys living in the same block as we did. Guess what? We drank and chatted till 3.30 AM!!!!! It was nice because somebody was there as well (I really hope the JPA guys aren't reading this. Those who are, please. Don't even THINK of iT! This entry's for my other friends who aren't studying with me!!!)

I'm still amazed I managed to get up in time to attend church, and still PROCESS and enjoy and learn for the pastor's sermons!

Ok ok, I think I'll talk about the other things in another day. Thanks for reading this far. Hope you guys are ok-- I read your blogs and feel rather lost. In a way, I feel guilty and a tad left out for not being there often enough to follow the developments in *your* lives. I'll try, I promise. For the moment, take care, ok! I'll try to get to you guys _personally_ *hugs*. p/s: Let me make my stand on the impending US-Iraq war CLEAR. I am against the war. Currently I'm too stupid to elaborate (sorry Mei Ling) at the moment. But I do see certain reasons why US is putting such pressure on Saddam. However, US shouldn't be so arrogant and threaten that they'll take action even if the UN does not endorse it. If the US do that, then what's the whole point in talking about "democracy"??

Staying up late till the morning today for the new layout, I followed CNN's report on the development of the impending war that may be launched on Iraq. It's so hard for me to feel indifferent anymore after hearing the speeches made by the delegates for 3 hours.

I confess. I didn't really feel anything before this, because having the A-Levels exam and university applications on your mind can really set up a surreal world, an artificial one where wars and rumours of wars just don't seem more urgent than getting rejected by a medical school. I *did* feel some slight apprehension and a twinge of fear which I didn't want to acknowledge.... For a long time, actually, but it just all felt so far away... So distant. I was safe. My country was safe. And that was all that mattered.

But like I said-- The magnitude of what's happening is finally settling down onto me. It wasn't the non-stop, *dry* articles in TIME magazine, but the speeches made by those world leaders that somehow swept me away from *my* world into *theirs*. Dull? Lengthy? You bet. But the words used by the speakers, especially the Palestinian speaker were precise, biting and actually very serious. You could really sense his barely veiled frustration and strain (veiled for the sake of diplomacy), and also the seething anger especially by the Palestinian delegate.

It's so easy for me to cry out, "Don't declare war on Iraq!". This whole matter about "weapons of mass destruction"... From a layman's point of view, I'd probably cry "The UN inspectors didn't find any in Iraq!! And America's rushing them! It's not fair!". But from the US point of view, I do see reason and logic of President Bush and co. to apply such pressure.

I ended up thinking and imagining both sides-- no, not just both, but three, four sides, (I was so concerned by the time I heard the French president speak). It's so complicated, yet so easy. Aargh! I can't seem to express myself properly here. It's complicated because the decision to declare war is influenced by so many factors-- safety, political turning-point, economy, and literally millions of innocent lives. It's so easy as well because all it takes is both parties swallowing up their pride and prejudice and make peace.

I feel so stupid *sweatdrop*. I'm no expert in politics, but I really got thinking last night (correction: this morning), and imagining all sorts of scenarios not just in Iraq *during* the war, but in all other countries. The fact that the world is like a globalised village makes it even more alarming, because declaring war is just like a meteor hitting ground and sending shockwaves for miles on ends. Every country is going to be affected.

Did I even mention North Korea? *throws hands into the air*! What is WRONG with them?!!

Talk about blogging pent-up feelings. I'm really, really in awe as I imagine the stress and sleepless nights my own country's Prime Minister and co. must have experienced all these while. Suddenly, studying doesn't seem so stressful *sweatdrop*.

I'm just so shallow, I know *sigh*.

Hanna, meeting Grace and Rahel at Taylor's was such a delight! I see them during our CF prayers in the mornings and also during the CF meetings on Thu/Tue. Hey, hey, why-lar Inti? But dun worry, you can sneak (correction: walk confidently) into Taylors to meet us coz you don't look any different than the rest of the Taylors kids *winks*. Phone/email-lar if got time. It probably wouldn't help if I said "Don't worry about your SPM results." So, *hugs*, I won't say anything. But I'll pray for you guys!! Be strong Hanna!

And Rebecca *waves*! How's the audition for the editorial board going? I'm pretty sure you can land a place. Why don't you attach a page of your blog together with your assignment? Just a thought, y'know. It might be a breath of fresh air for Pn Ramdas and the ed. board committee members *grin*. And can I ask something? Did you skip a year or something? Coz you mentioned that you're 15 on Jan 18 (your birthday) but already you're in Form 4!

I'm still aching to tell someone about -the- something *sighs heartbreakingly*....

Hello everyone! It's so nice to come back!

It felt really awkward at first to view my own blog after such a long period of absence, but as I caught up with the rest of you guys, I was itching to blog all over again.

I've been wanting to say this, spill this, SHOUT about this: I LOVE "HERO", the Chinese epic movie! I enjoyed it so much. The first time I watched it was during a sneak preview-- a midnight show at Sunway Pyramid TGV. I was apprehensive whether I'd be awake enough to enjoy the show, but in the end I was SO HAPPY and glad to have watched it! It moved me so much, that I could still feel a lump in my throat as I recalled certain scenes when I was in bed after that late-night (or rather morning) show.

GUYS! What were your favourite scenes, or scenes you just love to think about? For me, I shed a tear or two in the blue scene, especially when Flying Snow intentionally stabbed Broken Sword and made him promise that he'd live on. It was so sad! The red chapter was also cool in a way-- I was in female heaven during the scene where Broken Sword caught an arrow in midair and broke it into two so that he could continue his calligraphy practice. So cool! And don't even mention the slow-motion scenes of him painting the word "jian" on canvas, with his long hair flying in air and twirling about his face *girly squeal*!

(Stop it, girl! You already promised yourself you won't gush about HERO in this blog.... You're gonna make a shrine and gush it *there*!)

And yes, if you haven't known yet, my favourite character is Broken Sword *dreamy sigh*. His eyes are electrifying and so expressive (Tony Leung, you are so *good*). It's so heartbreaking to see him so loyal to Flying Snow! He's so faithful, and so tortured inside to be accepted by his soul mate.... [Mamolove has melted into a puddle]. Shrine. Shrine. Must build.

And the music!!! *SCREAMS*!! After my 3rd viewing (listening to the soundtrack till even my hair could go up at certain parts), I found out from TV that the violinist playing the main themes was Itzhak Perlman!!

The Itzhak Perlman!He is an Israeli violinist, who has really big hands and can play the violin till it makes his listeners cry!

Do you know that he is crippled from waist down? He suffered from polio when he was 4.

Itzhak Perlman *faints*!

You should have seen my real reaction when I found out about this. I think the shock and wonder and "No wonder the song sounded so good!" epiphany came crashing upon me like how a bowling ball would if it were to fall onto my head.

Ahem.... Ok... I'm really going to stop talking about HERO now. It's just bottled up emotions y'know *grin*.

Right, right... Time to catch up: Happy 21st Birthday to you Mei Ling! I'm really sorry to hear how much your tooth aches, but I'm even more concerned over how -depleted and uncertain- you were about your studies and future. Please, consider what I said, and yes, ask God for directions. Be alert for His guidance-- it will come in what people around you may say or do, or maybe something in the Bible will impress itself into you, or even just a simple coincidence (you've experienced alot before ~_^!). For the record, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU COULDN'T USE CHOPSTICKS! Bah, must bring you to eat sushi more often. I will teach you the fine art of using the chopsticks. Don't play-play hee, hee... Don't worry, fees are nominal. Just free sushi for each session, thank you. *laughs*! p/s: Cool layout! Is it Cheng Ekin's picture?

Shairil, how is your patient in the ICU? The baby girl? My gosh.... I agree with Ezan about it being heartbreaking to see a little kid in the ICU... When I did my work attachment at HUKM, one of the baby patients actually died, and I saw her body being taken away. I remember feeling remorse, and tons of regret that despite the technology, medicine couldn't save that one little girl. I hope she'll get better, Shai. And *BIG SMILE*, my heart SOARED when I read that you liked "HERO" and thought it was much better than "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon". Wah, so happy you finally watched it (I'm really silly for feeling so excited, right?)

Ah, I think I'm seriously lagging behind you and your anime-fandom. How's "Tokyo Crazy Paradise" like? Anyway, do you know of this anime, "Get Backers"? I watched the an episode at Christine's house, and _wow_. The guys are gorgeous! (But I think the animators got carried away with Kazuki of Strings, who was just too feminine.) And there's Koyasu Takehito's voice which I recognised instantly! Check out the anime-lar. I think it's quite OK, hee, hee.

Hemlocke-san! To put it on blog, THANK YOU _so_ much for the support as I prepared for the interview. I sure wouldn't have gotten thru those Nottingham and Sheffield interviews if it weren't for your advice!! And could you send my congrats to your friend, Rhea, as well? I sincerely hope she and her friends will get offers. A lot of my friends were also rejected. Some even by 3 out of 4 of the universities.

It's really God's grace. I believe He intervened and somehow made the interviewers relaxed before they called me in for my interview. It's alarming and disheartening to see my classmates who are straight-A scorers get rejected! Some weren't even called for the interview. When I compared my experience with my friends, I noticed that my interviewers seemed to be more at ease and relaxed with me, whereas my friends described them as serious and aggressive. Strange, ne? As I heard them recounting their interview questions, I didn't dare say this: I suppose sometimes when you pretend you know something which obviously you don't, the interviewers can see the bluff immediately.

Just like how you told me, Hemlocke-san.

As for me, there were some things I seriously didn't know how to answer (like: "let's say I give you 5 million pounds to invest in gerontology research. What would you do?"). I just apologized and said I didn't know. But man! I was so curious to know the answer so I asked back: "What's the answer, Professor?" And somehow it seems to break the ice. I really remember seeing the professor mildly surprised that I dared to ask back, and he generously gave the answer and we chatted on from that point. Rhea, all the best, ok? Ganbatte! And Hemlocke-san! I owe you one *grin*.

Leareth-chan! Hi! How's life? I'm sorry to hear about the accident. *huggles*, the day sucked bad, but I'm sure tomorrow and so on will be better. That day I saw Masako in person and she passed me your present (not sure whether you received my SMS)! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU *wags tail*! It's very sweet of you! Eh, if got time email-lar! Hopefully I'll reply soon *laughs*! But really, miss ya!!

I miss blogging. Bwah. ha. ha!

Ok, I have a secret.... But I'm so torn between telling it here or just keeping it down. But argh! I'm really bursting to tell you.... It's-- It's---

I like someone. I really, _really_ like someone.

Should I go on? Excuse me... Gotta reconsider *shakes head*. I should be sad or at least pensive if I'm supposed to recount this, but currently I'm just so happy and glad. Bleah... Oh, what should I DO?!

To tell or not to tell?