Thursday, 8 August 2002 01:01 p.m.
Mamolove
The past one week will be remembered as one of the most character-shaping periods in my life. And it's certainly going to continue, at least till I get my A-Levels results next Thursday.
Despite being heartbroken by my Physics's teacher's opinion of me, I secretly am thanking him for giving me that C. It really shook my psyche, first sending me tumbling into a very, very, *very* dark place, then compelling me to look deep into myself, deep into what *drvies* me, what makes me tick (or cry, for the matter). It came to a point where I was just so completely broken with horrible thoughts (exacerbated by my other friends who didn't get a C for Physics), that I just didn't know what to do with myself. I started overeating, turning to my favourite pastries and cakes just to numb the helplessness I was feeling. I started going back to my apartment very late-- taking the night bus because I simply didn't want to have people asking or seeing me being so down. Then when I thought I was feeling ok, I would find myself crying into my pillow (again, I can't even make a sound because there's another person in the room, and a few more in the living room studying) at night. It was so bad! I felt really down, and I couldn't stop thinking of that C. In the end, I was so depleted and overwhelmed that I cried out for God's intervention. It didn't happen immediately, but it did. I told him I had given up taking up this burden alone, and that I was too tired and hopeless now that I'm giving it all to Him. All my hopes, my fears, and my trust. Before, I thought God would have just zapped instant energy and some revelation, but he didn't. Instead, he gave me a very steady, quiet assurance which I could feel during the days after. There was a day when I was about to overeat out of habit, but got to my senses and controlled myself. Then there was the return of my senior, Tsuey Yee, whom I got to know of last year. She's from Ipoh, but came for a short visit before she leaves for York University this September. It's really amazing that we met by coincidence one evening, and she and I had a really good talk over dinner. I felt very encouraged by her and her testimony of God. Then the next day I received a phone call from Mei Ling. A very good, comforting call *smiles*. Now, please don't think that I got over my panic/depression instantly. But each time I seem to forget trusting Jesus, he draws me back to him!
Finally, after so much, so much, SO MUCH of deep thought and inner turmoil, I knew that this was a very, VERY important period in my life. That God was determined to tell me that I would get my medical degree not by my own merit, but by his grace. Do you know how it feels when you finally admit that to youself?? It's as though a big, big burden was slowly breaking into pieces. Everything falls into place. It's faith. Faith to trust His perfect will. Faith to dare tell him your requests and dreams and the things that you need (I need good results to get into medical school). Before this, I never really _dared_ telling him about it, because there were so many times I told him what I wanted but didn't get it. And when it concerns such an important thing like my A-Levels results, I didn't really dare tell Him about it because I was afraid he wouldn't answer again, and I'd be disappointed even more.
But now I understand. I must let go of this. I just must. My results, my university application, my future.... Let my god handle it, and trust that he wants the best for me. In my eyes it may be the 5 As, but in his, it could be wanting me to learn more of him, and to carry out his will.
I don't know what my results may be. Good or not, I really don't know. But whatever happens, there is a purpose behind it. And it's for my own good.
*That* I have faith in. FINALLY.
Thursday, August 1, 2002 02:06 p.m.
Dear all,
School started three weeks ago. A-Levels results in 2 weeks time. Got my forecast yesterday. Too confused. Distraught. 4 straight As, and 1 C. Hmmm.... And that C was for Physics. How will I ever get a place in medical school???!
Sorry for not replying to your mail Leareth *hugs*. It took me quite awhile to catchup with all your blog entries. You know, I really want to email you but the past weeks have been so bad, I just didn't want to bore you with it.
That goes to everyone who is reading this blog.
I know, even I'm bored looking at this blog page. I want to change it, especially the mood of the whole page. My last entry really sounded down, I know.... As I type this, the usual confident side of me is hissing, "STOP THIS NEGATIVE TALK!". And "HAVE FAITH IN GOD!". I'm just so tired spiritually, battling with myself, trying to psyche myself up only to have my hopes crushed with yet another setback. Of course, there's a saying that says the most successful man is not he who gets everything, but he who makes the most out of what he has. I hope to be like that. I hope to be that strong. I hope.
Sunday, July 14, 2002 05:56 p.m.
My heart feels like lead. I am feeling troubled. Uncertain.
My university application. Which universities should I choose? I have four choices. And I'm applying for an insanely competitive course, medicine. Which university should I choose? Then comes the most disturbing question.
What will my A-Levels results be?
I regret having this 'panic attack' again. Countless of times I have told myself to trust in the Lord. But oh I wish I could say for certain that I'll score all 5 As or at least 3 As in Chemistry, Bio, and Physics/Math.
Damn. This is the time when I know there is no friend who can really help. This is the time when I know I'm completely helpless-- my results, are at the hands of examiners thousands of miles away.
When I think of the odds, it disturbs me. I'm applying only for medicine. Only for medicine. Namely because I strongly feel for the vocation. And also, as a student on scholarship, I am being _paid_ to pursue medicine. This I am not complaining. What worries me is the possiblity that out of four universities which I apply for, none would accept me. Some university can only accept about 13 international students, many even less. And already there are about 200 fellow scholars like myself, competing for places in UK medical schools. Then what about the non-scholars who want to study medicine as well? Not to mention thousands of students from other countries all around the world?!
I can actually howl to the wind y'know.
Right. I'm in a dark mood now. Will go check out some university websites. If any of you can give advice about any universities in UK, drop a line, ok? It'll help this poor soul.
Saturday, July 13, 2002 10:45 p.m.
Mamolove
Yes, Katie, I want it! I WANT TO READ IT!! You really need a knock on your head for even _thinking_ you should ask me in the first place *smiles*! You enjoy your holiday at the countryside! I knew you enjoyed yourself very much when you went there last year, so I'm really happy for you! And Mamoru angst in the works? Yay! Good luck! We are sadistic women, aren't we [waggles eyebrows]. There's this indescribable rush each time I happen to read a good Mamoru angst fic. Sadly, it's quite rare when that happens; there's possibly hundreds of thousands of SM fics, but sometimes I just want to scream at the amount of searching I have to do to find first, a Mamoru-centred fic (not just Mamoru-Usagi, which can be *so* common, but Mamoru-centred), and second, a fic which _satisfies_ me. I've asked myself countless of times-- WHY do I like imagining my favourite characters in pain?
I guess I like seeing the drama and how the character reacts to it, how he deals with it. For characters which have unresolved sexual tension (Mulder and Scully!) or unspoken love for another character (Tatsumi with Tsuzuki! *squeals*!), the agony and pain endured by my favourite character brings out the hidden feelings from the other party, revealing just how much they actually care for each other. To me, it is *sssooo* sweet!! Of course, ending must be resolved properly-lar.... I don't want characters to die from the torture *sweatdrop*!
I slept at 3 a.m yesterday (oops, today!) and woke up as usual, at 8 am. I had waited in my room till everyone went to bed, then sneaked out of bed to begin writing my fanfic. Started at 11.30 last night, and typed till 3 a.m. Heh, have never done that before. Pretty high after brainstorming with Mei Ling that day *grin*. Too excited, countless of scenes jamming my head, dozens of questions and even more ideas of solving the problems, I can't email people because it'll distract me and I'll lose the tempo to get into my characters' head. In a way I feel really bad (forgive me Leareth-chan!! I promise you'll be the first person I'll email when I'm ready!). I'm writing all these down, just so that when I look back from a year or two from now, I'll get to recall the emotions I went through writing THE GOLDEN CRYSTAL.
Take care my friend! *hugs*!
Friday, July 12, 2002 09:30 a.m.
Mamolove
Leareth has published "Shadows Falling". And the world rejoices at Tatsumi's suffering. XD!! Girl, I hope you get well soon. Have you tried drinking water mixed with honey? It might help *smiles*! And wow... You must have a lovely voice to be able to sing a cadenza!! I for one, can't sing for my life *chuckles*. My throat hurts if I strain my voice to reach high notes *embarassed flush*.
Shai, I think you have a serious case of gastric. A clear sign of it is pain in the chest/somewhere at the diaphragm. It's originating from the stomach, but the pain shifts to the chest, so a lot of people never believe that it's because they ate too little. This is gonna last for a few days (probably one or two). [looks dark with concern] Girl, the last thing you should do is take dairy products! So try not to take milk, even condensed milk. Avoid anything with milk and oil. Have plain bread and milo-o or tea with sugar (to give you taste and energy) for meals. Biscuits not so good, because they have oil. You may ask, "But bread's made out of flour, and some milk and eggs!". But bread is currently your best option as an effective stomach-filler when taken with tea. And eat at regular intervals! Small but frequent meals better. It's not going to vanish after eating though, because it's reached such a stage that the stomach has produced too much gastric juice and shrivelled *grin*, that taking in food won't bring as immediate a relief as imagined. You were definitely having gastric. It's the pain you get that sometimes makes you unable to walk straight, and it's there, constantly torturing you for hours. Are you feeling better today?
And I'm so sorry to hear about your accident Shai!! *chuckles*, yes, I can imagine your mother talking to the guy on the phone. Well, I'll see what damage he did today, when I see you at Midvalley [Mamolove shrinks back as she thinks of buses again....].
Katie, I owe you email!! But I'm sorry that I won't be able to email you in time for you to read it tomorrow because I'm out the whole day today and tomorrow! Why haven't you updated you blog, hmm?? Aya's lonely there y'know *laughs*!!
Ok, bye-bye everyone! I'm getting ready to go meet the birdnest and Christine!
Thursday, July 11, 2002 11.30 p.m
Mamolove
Mei Ling is godsend *smiles*. This is the first time in my life that I had talked on the phone for an hour _just_ discussing about a story. It's not just any story, it's THE GOLDEN CRYSTAL. ONE HOUR. You may find it difficult to understand what's so great about that. Do you know how tense I was discussing it initially on the phone, Mei Ling? Being in the living room, my father was roaming around, and I had to talk in hushed tones and sometimes, just stop in dead silence as he came into hearing distance!! My parents have _no_ idea I'm writing so much, much less writing for free. They would chop my head and probably say I should invest the time to write a book which may generate income instead. Considering the amount of time I actually spend on this story, can't help but wonder-- why *am* I doing this?
I think it's because I feel so strongly for this story I can't get it out of my head. I fantasise about it, imagine about it, and reenact it in my head, often with accompanying background music. I am obsessed with it whenever I start writing each new chapter. Don't worry, each time school term starts somehow I'm able to detach myself from it very well. Schoolwork somehow corrodes my "mood" and "mode" to get into my favourite character's head. When I read the Sailormoon manga Vol 12-15, I had been so excited at its beginning, then so _terribly_ dissatisfied with Naoko Takeuchi's decision of shifting the focus on Mamoru's Golden Crystal to yet again *yawn*, Sailor Moon and Chibi Moon, that as a Mamoru fan that an alternate version of the saga began developing in my mind. The concept of THE GOLDEN CRYSTAL. Four years may have passed but this story has been in my head, unchanging. Perhaps in a way I look at writing THE GOLDEN CRYSTAL as a way for me to resume my younger self after months of stressful and mind-taxing A-Levels studies.... Each passing term, I'll publish a chapter of the story, returning to the fateful days in 1998 when I first read SAILORMOON.
Then,there's the input given by readers. There's this indescribably excitement running down your spine when you receive a letter telling you how much they love your idea!
Now I understand how much talking to a friend about a fic idea helps you! The discussion with Mei Ling just now was electrifying. At first I was abit shy to tell her the story, for fear it'll sound ridiculous she'll laugh at me. But she coaxed and encouraged me, so I went on telling the main points that I was very clear of writing, and the problems in linking the scenes together coherently. Then Mei Ling starts giving suggestions, ideas, disagrees sometimes, agrees sometimes, and I found myself thinking at such an intensity that the story slowly began to change!! The original theme still stayed, but the way the characters are used changed, as new scenes were devilishly created! This girl made me so fired up that even after ending our telephone conversation (wah! Ears red already!!), I rolled around on my bed imagining the scenes. And boom!! Suddenly more inspirations popped up, thus sealing the holes I initially had so much problems with!! So I continued telling Mei Ling my ideas by SMS. Can you imagine, *screams*, I am so excited! Times of inspiration like this brings so much joy that the hours of depression of not liking what you wrote and deleting them is blissfully forgotten.
And heh, heh, Mamoru walking around in a hospital gown, Mei Ling?
Something else which Mei Ling said in tired fascination. "The poor man.... You love torturing him so much...."
Yes, I do *dark laugh*. If Leareth can torture Tatsumi, then I, Mamolove, shall torture Chiba Mamoru!
Thursday, July 11, 2002 08:10 p.m.
Mamolove
There's a nice feeling in your heart when you know that you made someone happy just by remembering their birthday. Had a great time celebrating your 19th birthday, Kaleena. Happy Birthday *hugs*! Me and and my friend had lunch at STARBUCKS ($_$!! Thanks for the treat-- will be my turn come October 13, Kaleena *grin*), then we chatted for an hour or so there, then we went window-shopping, bought chips and asam to eat while walking around, then, the most memorable ones-- playing with the makeup samples at the pharmacy (well, I played around with Kaleena's face :)!) and splashing money having our photos taken by the photo sticker booths!! It was our first time, and it was cool!! Surprisingly the print quality and colour were very sharp and good! Then it was window-shopping again! Yeah, had a great time ^_^, even though it took me 2 bloody hours (excuse my language) to get from my house to Sunway Pyramid. 2 _hours_. Death to the inefficient buses. Die. Die. DIE!!!! *ahem*.... Sorry. But I nearly cried when I boarded the slowest moving METRO bus ever known in my life. If it weren't for the busted air-condioning I wouldn't have minded so much. But this bus, which company is notoriously known for speeding, was crawling at such a speed I was sure I could outrun it in a 100 metre sprint!! It was that slow! And when the driver tried accelerating, you could really feel the engine straining itself *sweatdrop*. So it chugged along the highway, all until PJ Hilton, where it ascended a slope. Then when it descended, somehow it gained momentum- the driver tried pushing the speed, and miraculously, the momentum of descending the slope helped rev the engine! Hallelujah!! *shakes head smiling*....
Wednesday, July 10, 2002 09:33 a.m.
Hi, just came back from the morning market. It's a half-hour walking distance from my house. Yes, I walked. To and fro. Carrying about 3 kg of fruits in the plastic bag, and some 'kuih ubi' and 'apam balik'. ^____^! Kinda defeats the purpose of burning the calories huh?
An email from this girlthrew me off my chair just now. She seems to have a knack of doing it to me [Mamolove smiles as she thinks of Andreia *wink*!!]. Leareth. Is. Evil. Poor Tatsumi *laughs*!
After a daily diet of Escaflowne, I finally reached the last episode last Thursday. It was good. My favourite characters are Folken and Allen. Not just because they're quite good-looking (Folken-sama! Allen-sama!), not just because their voice actors sound sooo good (Folken-sama! Allen-sama!), not just because they're tall (poor Van. You're cute too, but abit too short...), but because their multi-layered characters really fascinate me.
There's this deep sadness in Folken-- from what I saw, I think this is a person who cares a lot for others, namely his lil bro, Van. He truly believes in his cause-- to end the battles you must wage the ultimate war. And that tatooed tear-drop under his eye... It's gorgeous! I think it also represents the sorrow he felt before he decided to harden his heart. There were a few times I remember sniffling when Folken and Van remember the times when they were kids. It's really touching. Oh yeah, he's really muscular :). I want a big brother!!!
As for Allen, he really got prettier as the story progressed. Initially the character drawing was... not to my liking [thinks of Yami no Matsuei and drools], and Allen looked too perfect to me. But then he got injured protecting Hitomi! I'm a sucker for injured characters. One may ask "Why then, aren't you drawn to Van?". Well, to be honest, I was rooting for Allen+Hitomi *grin*. So, when Allen got such a horrible gut wound saving Hitomi, and Hitomi being so devastated, well, this rabid fangirl here started getting interested *toothy grin*. I can see Shai, Mei Ling, and Hanna rolling their eyes as they read this. Hanna especially. Hah! And I heard that, Shai! Muttered "sadistic woman", didn't you? *laughs*!!
But I think Katie and Leareth have a liking to "favourite-character-in-torture" plots as well *evil grin*.
Anyway, this Allen has some serious angst *squeals*! I loved the episodes between him and Dryden (cute Dryden!), where Dryden reads Allen's father's journal. The resentment Allen harboured towards the older Schezar.... I was so glad he finally made peace with the father. I think I sniffled during the parts when the father saw Hitomi's grandmother in his dying moments, and realised that the woman he loved had always been Allen's mother. I just wished the animators drew Allen running away, maybe a silent tear or two, and Hitomi seeing him in that state :)....
And oh my GOSH!! Prince Chid!! It's *so* obvious he's Allen's son! 0_o!! Child born out of an illicit love affair! Allen, you dirty man... So, in the end, Allen must have realised that he was no better than his father-- he cannot be by Chid's side, and take care of his son. Because by doing so, he would have to tell Chid who he really is. And that would crush the young child's faith and reverence for his parents! OH. The. Angst. The way Allen sadly looked at Prince Chid (quite a few times) made me feel like going up to the knight to hug him *grin*.
Oh dear... I'm writing a lot here. Anyway, to cut things short, I thoroughly enjoyed the soap opera part of ESCAFLOWNE, shivered in delight at the romantic moments between Allen and Hitomi, and simply jumped in excitement in the finale, where the SCHEREZADE and ESCAFLOWNE fought each other. But fandom, for Folken and Allen? No, not them... To like them like I like Mamoru, Tatsumi and Aya, is to bring it to another level :). ... I think *sweatdrops*.
Oh Shai!! Thank you so much for lending me this show!! Even though it's not as good as EVANGELION and RUROUNI KENSHIN, it had a good storyline and stunning animation!
Mei Ling, good luck for your exam and debates! I'm rooting for your team! ^_^!
Katie-chan, thank you so much for the fic idea!! Gotta take down your idea, yes, yes! Enjoy your holidays!
Take care, everyone!
Sunday, July 7, 2002 3.45 pm
Mamolove
Heh, I shall continue "my life's story" for the past week... But first:-
Hello, Katie-chan!! Do you know how much I squealed when I saw your Aya layout? Tell Kija she did a fine job! And yes, yes, I slacked in writing in my blog *sweatdrop*. But I'll fill you up, really *laughs*! Right... After that Friday outing with Shairil, my Papa surprised the whole family by booking a 1D/1N stay at Awana Resort, Genting Highlands! So we went there on Saturday!! It was so nice there! Our room had a very nice view of the golf course ^_^. And we received complimentary tickets to take the cable car to reach the top of Genting Highlands. On Saturday, we conquered the indoor theme park, and the next day-- the outdoor theme park. The last time I went to Genting was when I was 13. And the last time I went, I didn't really enjoy the outdoor theme park because it was the rainy season, and the whole place was in the clouds! So many rides were closed to the public! But this time was different, hehehehehhe.... Had a fun time in a very VIOLENT bumper car ride ^_^ especially. The outdoor theme park was awesome. I took ALL THE RIDES-- but my father (who has been to 3 Disneylands) said they were mild compared to the ones he tried overseas. I think the one I enjoyed the most was the GO-KART. The cockscrew wasn't that scary, but the height it went up to was impressive. Speaking of heights, I think the SPACE-SHOT was cool. It's the ride where the platform you're sitting on suddenly shoots up to a very high level, and then plunges down to the ground! As for the GO-KART, the reason I enjoyed it so much was because it was really like a race-- overtaking and all, hee, hee. And I was lucky to ride on a fast cart ^_^V! Another guy got a dying one-- it was chugging along the race-track as the rest of us zoomed past him *laughs*.
Lastly, I have to tell you how I spent the night at Awana. I was delegated to share the bed with my lil sis and brother, and since my parents were afraid the babies would fall off the bed while sleeping, we pushed the bed against the wall. Then, because the bed was a bit cramped lengthwise, my mom shifted the kids to sleep sideways, feet facing the wall. Right... Imagine how a 5 feet 4 girl is supposed to sleep in such a position. Do you know I was trying to sleep with my leg RAISED ON THAT DAMN WALL?!! When that got tiring, I tried bringing my legs down, but to fit the bed I had to contort my body till I think even my backbone looked like an "S" alphabet. Then, suddenly, the music began....
My father and brother snoring. ::sob!::
But guess who was the factor who kept me awake till 6.30 the next morning?? The younger male. Yes, the 6 year old little midget, whom I thought could become my human pillow for the night. The boy's soft sighing and slight wheezing was so constant like a metronome, it kept me awake till the next day!! At least my father's snoring stopped once he entered deep sleep! So after a night of futile tossing and turning, I resorted to watching the sky (I opened the curtains and sat on the armchair, watching.). Hey, it was impressive you know! I ended up watching a fantastic lightning display, without thunder. I suppose the storm occured at a very far place. Some of the lightning didn't look bright white-- some were orangy, or greyish. And the length of the lightning streaks were LONG and so clear! It was a spectacular display which kept me occupied till 3 am. Halfway watching I also got hungry again, so I nibbled on some food (High 5 bread). After that, I tried to pass time doing some stupid imitation of QI-GONG and TAI-CHI, silently qi-going my way to and fro the whole room!! After that I tried sleeping again, to no avail. My GOD, it was the longest night ever. I kept hoping for the clock to finally show 6.30am, because that would be the time when we would receive our wake-up call and I can "officially" wake up and switch on the lights and get ready to go to the outdoor part! Finally, the phone rang and I actually shot up from my bed as my parents woke up, fuzzy and drowsy. Hehehehhe...
By the time I came back from Genting, I was having a headache because of the lack of sleep. But it was a really nice outing-- my lil sister and I took quite a lot of rides together!! She's sososoooo cute!! My brother, the poor thing, couldn't join us because he was too short. He's lovely too, but I'll think twice if my parents ever ask me whether I want to sleep with him next time *laughs*!
And Leareth!! What happened to Masako?!
Bye!
Saturday, July 6, 2002 1.56 p.m
Mamolove
Hello!! It's been a long time, I know. The last time I went online was to email this girl.
Had a wonderful time with you last Friday. Thanks for lifting my spirits that day, Shai. Hee, hee, I'm really surprised you even mentioned about the pretzels in your blog *laughs*! The name of the shop is "Auntie Anne's Pretzels" by the way.
After chit-chatting and having lunch at Megamall, Shairil brought me to UM's medical faculty's dissection room. Being an outsider I hovered closely to Shairil as we entered the room, full of very hardworking coursemates of hers. I did ask her-- why on Earth were they still there, spending a Friday afternoon with dead bodies??! And why weren't there any boys around studying as well? Hmmm... [Mamolove thinks of the busy female lioness who does all the hunting work, while the male lion lazes around waiting for the food to be delivered].
I actually touched a dead body!!
It was just the upper part of the body (waist above), squeezed into a plastic container, soaked in formaldehyde. Y'know, before I actually entered the room I was quite scared! I was also afraid I might throw up the pretzel I ate before! But when I stepped into the room I had a peek on a dead body one of the lab technicians were "fixing" (Shai's own words), and my uneasiness melted away, replaced by excitement. I was so fascinated when I saw that dead guy in the container! The muscle fibres and skin were actually quite broken down-- hardly resembled a man, but the fingers were still good *shivers*. I opened the eyelids and found the eyeballs.... they weren't white, I can tell you. Looked murky and brownish... I found the eyes creepy, Shai the fingers.
Thanks for bringing me there, Shai ^_^!! And after that, I went on a tour around the UM campus, with Shairil as the tour guide *grin*. It's really a big area. I never knew it was that big, because the furthest I've ventured is only till Dewan Chancellor and Asasi Sains. Hey, it's just occured to me, Shai-- if Ezan can actually get into UM, and I'm sure Farah too, then your WHOLE FAMILY would be graduates from UM! Hmmm maybe that's what your father's trying to achieve *waggles eyebrows*....
After that we had a spin in Bangsar. First time there! So many food outlets! Halfway on our journey, I saw Hanna, Anisa and Rahel!! It didn't register to that baka that I was waving AT HER from Shairil's car. Hmph, go figure *laughs*! Anisa was sharp though.
Right.... I've written a thesis already *sweatdrop*. I seriously don't know how I'm going to catchup, telling you the many things that have happened since last week! I guess I'll eventually will. Anyway, had a wonderful and meaningful time with my friend *hug*!
Bye-bye (for now)!