My dear friends,

This really happened. And I simply MUST share it with you.

2 hours ago my father came into my bedroom, wanting to set my combination lock on my suitcase (I just bought it from Megamall last month). He couldn't find any instruction manual in my newly bought suitcase that told us how to set the codes for the combination lock (which involved slotting the pair of zippers into the lock). And he lashed out at me, despite it not having instruction manuals in the first place. I had to endure YET ANOTHER humiliating and demoralising washout from my father, and it was truly truly the last thing I wanted since I was going to fly off to the UK in 3 days. He has been nagging and pointing out at my carelessness and incompetency in taking care of myself and my belongings for the past 2 weeks. I hate it, and I feel as though I'm being jinxed by his very words. Memory of my father angry with me is the last thing I want before I set out alone to UK.

And so, I began to figure out how to use the combination lock on my suitcase. I decided to check out how the combination lock on my violin casing worked, thinking that maybe the suitcase lock would work the same way.

My violin lock. This is what testimony is about.

I actually forgot how to use my violin lock. It has always been in 0-0-0, so I had never really used the combination lock feature. After 15 minutes of pressing, scrolling, and mulling, I actually discovered how to change the code of the lock. Now, that I understood how the violin lock worked, I rushed to my suitcase, eager to break the mystery and appease my vexed father.

I took a very much longer time figuring out how to change the code of my suitcase lock, calling my friend for help. In the end, after another 30 minutes, I found out. I was very very happy, but I also broke down after that because I remembered all the horrid words my father had been throwing at me for the past 2 weeks. I know I should have felt satisfied, but the grief that my father has been doing nothing for the past 2 weeks but corroding my peace and confidence with remarks like "You are so shallow!" was simply greater, and burned through and through. I broke down, due to both sadness and relief.

Recovering from that, I returned to my violin. My father's rebukes were still stinging in my mind, and being distracted, I mindlessly brushed through the numbers on the lock, effectively jumbling up the violin lock's code I had set earlier! I had been so distraught that I completely forgot that newly set violin lock code! So now I had effectively locked my dear violin inside the casing without knowing the code that opens the lock!!

I tell you, it was one curse to another!! My father was cursed with such a shallow child.

At first I was calm, and tried sequence after sequence, searching my mind for the slightest trace of memory. I couldn't. I became more frantic, taking a piece of paper and writing down a few combinations I could figure out (remember the tedious mathematical "probability and combination" chapter??). Attempt after attempt, I failed. After trying to hack the code and emerging with a very red and sore index finger (used for scrolling the numbers on the lock) I broke down into tears of desperation and sheer disgust of myself. It really was what my father had said would happen. For every bad thing he predicts, some of them really happen. To me, it just goes to show how strong the power of words from the mouth is. I don't blame my father though, because I shouldn't have allowed his words to affect my mind in the first place. Had I rejoiced after figuring out the suitcase lock, none of this violin lock nonsense would have happened, right?

But even through my tears and sobbing, I stubbornly sniffled out praises to God. You know, come to think of it, it was really a pathetic sight *sweatdrop*, a girl crying yet choking out those words of praise!

And while praising, part of a scripture verse came to my mind:

"...And lean not on your own understanding...."

I was too tired to try new combinations anymore, and stopped. I was crying tears of sadness and frustration, saying aloud words of praise, and that verse kept reiterating iteself in my mind.

I kept still, my crying eventually stopping. My room went silent. No more sounds of frantic scrolling and sobbing. Just silence, as I quieten down. After a few minutes of just sitting motionless, leaning onto God whom I knew is with me wherever I am, I moved to my violin lock again.

Randomly, I keyed in a number. I didn't even see the sequence because my fingers blocked them. I didn't even think when my other hand went to the latch and pulled. Would you guess what happened?

The lock loudly clicked open. It actually. Opened.

The moment I heard that BEAUTIFUL sound and saw the lock fling upwards, my heart felt as though it could jump up my throat in sheer joy! It was such a miracle! I didn't even think, let alone decide what number to scrolled to. I peered at my lock's opening code:

8-5-3

This really really happened. After 45 minutes of trying to open the lock, God miraculously moved my fingers to key in the EXACT code I had completely forgotten. 8-5-3. I can't describe this any further. 8-5-3. The Lord directly intervened when I had literally no hope of recalling the correct code. And yes, I sang praises to him. I didn't play my violin because my siblings were asleep, but oh did the praises come out of me. 8-5-3. This amazing thing.... It's so amazing to me that I am compelled to blog about it, right after it happened. Even as I write this, the emotions which this lovely act of love of Jesus invoked in me remains so strong, and burns in such a reassuring way. My father's rebuke and curse has been completely overpowered by the amazing grace of Jesus, my ever present friend, and God, my ultimately big universe father.

It's really ironic-- but what initially looked like the last thing I ever wanted to happen as I prepare myself for my university life in faraway Edinburgh, turned out to be the strongest and most reassuring sign...

That God will be with me wherever I go, and that I had absolutely nothing to fear in my life at Edinburgh.

Hi friends *waves*! How are you? Firstly, condolences to Leareth. Her grandmother passed away last week, so I think it'll be good if you guys give her your support too. Leareth, I hope you're okay...

My apologies for the lack of blogging. Last week I screwed up a big part of my government contract, which caused so much inconvenience to my parents. I'll never forget those 2 days of running around town finding witnesses to sign the contract again, due to a mistake (a huge mistake) I made in the original contract. And this, my friends, resulted in many consequent mistakes on the new contract form...

Come to think of it, I've never screwed up my paperwork that badly before!!

I'm actually too ashamed to name the mistakes per se, but it was like a jinx. Returning from Terengganu dead tired seemed to make me launch myself on a self-destructive path of carelessness. It climaxed to a period where my father was seething in the car and mumbling to himself how useless and stupid (exact words!!) his daughter was. Oh dear, my poor father!

I have never felt so humiliated and ashamed in my life. At that time it really felt as though I didn't know how to do anything else but study. I was sure that for every one hundred things that could go wrong during my journey to UK next week, THEY WILL really happen, like losing my passport, forgetting my offer letter and proof of acceptance, yadda yadda yadda. And worse, I felt the acute fear that I may make a misdiagnosis or write something wrong in my patients' charts. Angst? You bet *groan*.

I'm okay now... Resurrected from the dead *laughs*. I'm going to keep trying to be a blessing for my parents. I'm not a child anymore-- it's high time I take care of them and avoid unnecessary stress for them :)...

YES! An EVENTFUL DAY it was, yesterday!! I met HEMLOCKE-SAN!!!! And dearest MEI LING!!!! It was nice of you, Monica, to drop by. Seriously, you don't have to, next time ^_~. I'll be back so soon you wouldn't even notice I went to UK.

But really, yesterday was a blast. Too bad Hanna and Edwin couldn't come. Guys, I'm really sorry I couldn't reply your sms because my handphone has no credit anymore. Thank you so much for your well wishes *waves*!! To think that I nearly missed yesterday's meeting due to migraines, fatigue and stomach upsets on Saturday night. I felt so sick I was really sure I wouldn't make it, Mei Ling! So sorry I also frightened you Hemlocke! Thank God, He healed me in time *bows in gratitude*. And Kak Raha, it was nice to meet you again *wink*. So different already, since last December ^_^. After this I shall check out your cousin's blog hehheh... McD Bubur Ayam Fanclub *chuckles*...

Mei Ling, thank you so much for even bothering to arrange yesterday's meeting. And to Hemlocke-san, thank you for taking the trouble to come meet up. Yesterday... Was simply beautiful. Thank you for coming *huggles*.

After the meeting at Ampang Park, I zipped back home, and can you believe it, went to 2 places: a shopping mall with my parents, and my Po Po's (my mom's mom) house for a family dinner!! So all in all, in my woozy state yesterday, I managed to go to church in Subang, McD in Ampang, Jaya Jusco in Cheras, and grandmother's house in Petaling Jaya *faints*! WHAT A GREAAAAT DAYYY!!!! When I saw the food my grandmother had single-handedly cook for me (we were celebrating my going to Edinburgh), I actually teared up. It was so touching!! Each of the dishes had a meaning to it. Crabs - "nothing will be able to stop me from reaching my goals", prawns, fish, chicken, vegetable, lengau (I think it's lotus root in English), and soup. From a 76 year old grandmother!! She rocks *grin*.

You know guys, I've been struggling with a gamut of emotions, ranging from bright excitement of starting a new chapter of my life abroad, to cold fear of experiencing the loneliness, sense of incompetency and lack of inner strength.

I'm afraid of myself.

I know deep down, the only person capable of bringing me down and down to the bottom of the pit is my own self. My melancholic personality, and my erratic and careless way of working. I tend to be over-sensitive towards people's opinion and behaviour-- it's something I fear, because this tendency of twisting my sense of worth into intense bouts of loathing is something I belief to be destructive. I also am aware of how absent-minded and careless I can be, thanks to my father who has been keeping score of when and what I seemed to fail to notice. It's so annoying of him, but deep down I'm really frightened I'll screw up not just my work, but someone else's life because of my carelessness. I feel like a walking time-bomb, full of mistakes waiting to permeate out of my body.

So, I can only pray for God's loving guidance to help me grow. Slowly but surely. I like characters like Tezuka and Tatsumi because they are so controlled. So meticulous. So careful. They hardly speak, yet they have so much authority and confidence because they're good at what they do. I want to be like that.

I'm starting the countdown. I shall be flying off to Edinburgh this Thursday. After this I'm off to packing (wish me luck-- I've been trying to pack less than 30 kg *chuckles*). 3 days to take-off!!

I nearly fell out my chair when I typed "TEZUKA KUNIMITSU " in the Google search engine, and saw that the first link recommended was this humble blog page of mine! Wow *blushes*....

Hello friends! It's been 3 days here in Terengganu with my relatives (my father's side), and it's sososso nice to visit this place again after so many years. I remember playing on the beach, eating my grandmother's food, and sampling the traditional Terengganu bread, called "ba-ung"....

Well, things have changed since back then. For one, my grandmother is no longer around, I miss her dearly. My memories of her since my childhood until she passed away when I was 14 is still fresh in my mind-- the way she would stroke my wet hair to dry it faster, the way she cooked crab (delicious!), and how such a tiny lady made her way to the wetmarket to buy the fruits, vegetables and meat and singlehandedly bring all of those things back (sometimes with the help of the taxi or trishaw drivers) to the apartment. She was such a gentle lady. I'm proud to be her grandchild.

Also, it was enjoyable and abit annoying to meet all my relatives. The first day I was wearing a yellow T-shirt, and Ali-Babalike bermudas, so I think it gave an illusion of a spare tyre. The 3 relatives who saw me for the first time after 3 years squealed, and start their "oh oh how much you've grown!!" An auntie even said even sideways!!! Now, I'm personally very sensitive when people pass comments about my body, especially because I'd gotten tired of hearing it in high-school, and darn it, I worked hard for the body I'm currently having. Grrr... I felt a little better when another auntie consoled, and said, "You're even cuter now." Sigh....

Oh I felt much better the next day when I walked around the family house and visited my relatives in a better-looking T-shirt, which didn't look baggy. Another relative who I met with that day wondered aloud why her sisters said I had become rounded. I literally sighed in relieve to myself. Yesterday was an optical illusion!!

Again, I wonder to myself why I should have even felt hurt during the first-day commentaries. I'm still trying to understand it. I think my response stemmed from my disbelief that beneath that T-shirt, nobody seemed to see me different from their chubby little niece a few years back. Nobody bothered to notice that I've spent a lot of time working out and eating right. For a wild moment I was actually sulking *laughs*, and wishing I could be anorexic or have a liposuction. Right, during that time warning bells started ringing. And thankfully, this verse appeared in my mind, about God's strength being made perfect in my weakness. It was really comforting to know Jesus was right there with me, consoling me like a cool dude. He loves me, so why worry?

Anyway, I watched the US Open, and goodness, I enjoyed watching both the men's and ladies' finals! Henin rocks! And Roddick deserved the trophy. He's really much more focused and disciplined now, compared to the demonstrative and ill-tempered brat he was last year. I'm really happy for Roddick.

By the way, Juan-Carlos Ferrero is cute *smiles*. Really cute *girly squeal*! His sandy-blond hair, thin body and quick reflexes remind me of a mix of Tezuka and acrobatic Kikumaru! Oh gosh, I suddenly want to write a fic about Tezuka in the US Open ^_^;;. Hemlocke-san, and Mei Ling, I would LOVE to meet you guys before I fly off. Let's arrange a meeting ^_~ quick.

Still hoping for the best for you, Leareth-chan....

Hi guys! The past few days have been really hectic and unnerving for me. I got a mail from Edinburgh last Friday stating that if I don't hand in a deposit of 250 pounds within 4 days my accommodation offer would be withdrawn. Now, it was rather crazy to expect an international mail to reach them that fast. Even PosLaju (1st Class mail) takes 4 days at least! Besides, I would have to prepare a bank draft. And to add to my frustration, 2 out of that remaining 4 days happened to be public holidays in Malaysia. *sigh*

Well, frantic scrambling to get my accommodation papers signed and bank draft ready aside, I went for my sponsors pre-departure briefing at Putrajaya. Really _cool_ place. If you guys happen to visit Malaysia, do try to come to Putrajaya. During the briefing we were taught by MAS Airlines on what to do prior the departure, and how we should go about once we reach our UK airports. We were also taught on how to use our travellers cheques $_$ *hehehh...*

The night before the briefing I had 3 of my outstation friends as guests in my house. It was really comforting to be with them and prepare my accommodation documents like a madhatter. Believe me, I tried being at peace, but when you make an international call and receive an operator who simply insists that a delay would cost my accommodation to be withdrawn, it's hard to be calm. I was annoyed and rather offended at the operator's bluntness-- it has left me with a bad taste in my mouth. It's not that my views about Edinburgh has taken a 180 degree turn, it's just sad that the rapport the Admissions Department built with me over the past 3 months of correspondence has been slightly soiled by this measly Accommodations operator.

Hahah... Okay, on a lighter vein, I received such a wonderful email from the girl who gave such a nice description about Tezuka, Becky Marie. Becky, if you're reading this, I need time to reply your mail. Need to "float" in its goodiness for awhile *winks*....

Leareth-chan*huggles*... I'm so so so sorry I didn't check your blog earlier. My heart goes out to you. Will pray for your grandma, and also your mom. You take care *hugs*... Have hope!

*looks up in disbelief*

I actually got the HTML right! Oh thank god!

How do you guys like this time's layout? Tezuka's absence is driving me crazy. I know he hasn't been pushed out of the whole series, but why can't the audience be shown some episodes focusing on Tezuka and what his life in Germany is like?

Anyway, remember these few pictures? They were taken from the first season (ep 1-26). The soft eyes Tezuka had when he explained to his physician why he used his Drop Shot despite the risk of injuring his arm was a spectacular change from his usual frown and cold regard. It showed that beneath the stern and serious exterior, Tezuka really cared. Besides being clearly eager to help Ryoma improve, Tezuka is obviously touched by the deep concern his physician showed. And hence the subsequent explanation on why he was risking his arm simply for the sake of one boy. Ever since then I've been craving for more personal, one-on-one interaction between Tezuka and people other than the Seigaku boys. It'll be interesting to see how he behaves outside school. *sighs*, tender Tezuka just makes me melt.

The top picture next to it stirred me for reasons completely different from the above. I shivered in delight when I caught this dark murderous look on Tezuka as he listened to a still unfazed Ryoma during their match. I don't think you guys can understand this, but I actually found this expression utterly sexy *thinks of the possibility of bad-boy Tezuka*.

And the third picture at the bottom-- classic Tezuka *squeals*! Cool and confident, totally disinterested to the taunts of a rival. He had ignored the rival, cooly turning to leave with his close buddy Fuji Syusuke. When that rival proceeded to grab Tezuka's left arm, the Seigaku captain glanced at the rival, and dangerously uttered, "Let go," before shrugging off what seemed like a weak hold on his arm. In truth, the rival had actually grabbed quite tightly onto Tezuka's arm, but noticed that the Seigaku player's arm didn't even budge when he seized it earlier-- A peek to how strong that left arm could actually be....

All in all, I'm just mighty glad I didn't screw up my blog. You should have seen the panic I went into, when I couldn't get the codes right *laughs*! Alright, enjoy the weekend!

Oh boy... What have I done to my coding *slams head onto keyboard*?!! I am in deep trouble.... *furiously tries typing the HTML and CSS codes again*