WELCOME ^_^! This is my online-journal! I'm Mamolove, from Malaysia. Born on the 13th October, in the year of the boar, I certainly have a few traits associated with a piggy, but am very fortunate to not look like one *grin*. I'm really happy to have you as my blog-visitor. Have a look around, and do drop me a line or two if you have the time okay? I'd love to hear from you.
What a long time it has been....
Tuesday, November 23, 2004

An email from a trusted friend reminded me of the existence of this blog. And visiting it again brought back such fresh memories, both sweet and bitter. What a year it has been...

Friends, I'm so sorry I haven't been updating the blog at all since last December. But take comfort, I am still alive... It's Year 2, and there's alot more space to breathe compared to Year 1, so I'll see whether I can kick-start this blog of mine again. Don't hold your breath for it though!

~~Yours truly....

Written at 11:07 p.m.
Thursday, December 4, 2003

I'm numb with shock...

Can't really concentrate...

The boy next door to my room... Pleasant Scottish boy, with a complete stereo speaker system but considerate enough to not blast it while I'm in my room and possessing a strong liking for vodka and TESCO orange juice....

He went to his hometown last weekend....

And never came back.

The cleaners came to his room today, and when I saw them in his room, clearing up everything so solemnly, somehow I knew something was wrong.

In a hushed tone my domestic supervisor told me everything.

He went drinking... And driving... Don't know the details, but a terrible accident occured, and he injured his spinal column...

I can't believe this. I just. Can't. Believe this.

Written at 11:01 p.m.
Tuesday, November 25, 2003

To all my Muslim friends, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri!
Right, I'm feeling better now... I think I did too much walking the last time, and it really exhausted me. To be honest, I think the past week has been really a roller coaster ride for me. I seem to see-saw from a state where I thought I had gotten rid of my insecurities to a state where I just felt so helpless in my studies and how I could contribute to my friends around me. It was a very very dark period last week, especially when i got my essay marks back and realised that it was the lowest among the Malaysian girls *chokes*.

It came to my notice how horrible I was-- not at my marks, but at my comparing tendency. I was so afraid that I would not even pass Year 1, after the results of the essay and a mock test. And I felt as though it didn't matter how I studied, what strategies I used, or how much time I put in-- They all seemed to hit a wall.

So much self-accusations, and so much self-obsession. It was horrid. I seriously felt so depleted that I started withdrawing myself from ALL my friends, holing up in my room, studying, munching on crackers, and wasting loads of time on self-loathing.

It didn't help too that I was stuck in a group where a few British boys seemed to dismiss all the ideas I tried to contribute to the group discussion. Initially I thought I was being sensitive, but I suddenly realised that they really liked putting others down! It came to a point where they would either cut in every sentence the others were saying, or keep silent, shaking their heads in disapproval all the time as they "suffered" through our unworthy opinions. It was sickening. I

It's really not a happy experience. Seriously, I'm so grateful I'm over with this. Really grateful that Jesus gave me inspirations and strength through my friends who prayed for me, and who comforted me during times I was so messed up with myself and my apparent incompetency.

Have you noticed, guys, that when you are upset, defeated and down right _depressed_, you are hardly capable of being a blessing to others? It's as though the feeling of self-loathing sucks out the will in you to have fun with others and be receptive to their own problems and needs? I don't want to repeat this period. I'm getting over it. I'm GETTING OVER IT. I'm sick of blaming others when it's just me feeling incompetent, of crying foul when it's all just a matter of perspective, and of simply getting myself so frustrated due to my low achievements here, when it's just because of my own limitations, choices and principles. I don't want to compete, I don't want to maintain this compariing tendency in me-- I just know that in the best of my capacity, I will try my best, and remember constantly that God _never_ sent me here in vain.

Boy, I'm getting sick of the dull tone this blog is having. Promise you guys I'll get another layout ready *wink wink*.

To those whom I owe email (Adeline, Mei Ling, etc)... SORRY.. I'll get to it... Slowly, but surely.

And Leareth... Just found out you came up with the latest chapter of "Shadows Falling"!! I'll email you as well with my thoughts about it. It was such a delight *squeals*.

And Hemlocke-san literally reduced me to a puddle of drool when she showed me some gorgeous pictures of Tezuka... Will share the pics with you guys later.
Take care guys!!

Written at 08:34 a.m.
Swept by the Current
Monday, November 17, 2003

Everyday passes like the wind. Somehow I feel hopeless, swept by the magnitude of work and of travelling. Walking to lectures, to the library, to fencing practices, to the hospital-shuttle dropspot, shops, and the likes. Simply finding the energy to cope becomes my primary concern....

Slow down...

Please slow down...

I want to, but can I?

Written at 08:53 p.m.
Random Thoughts
Saturday, October 25, 2003

Working on my essay at the moment. It's amazing how writing with a pencil on pieces of paper helps me organize my essay structure as compared to just using the computer. Oh well, it may be just me. I'm just so comfortable at this position, my computer in front of me, my writing pad on my right-hand desk, and my window also on my right-side. Good weather today-- not gloomy, but not too sunny either that you can't look up to the sky... I was actually staring at the view for 5 whole minutes, just watching the white puffs of clouds move across the pretty blue sky slowly, and imagining what was going on in those quaint homes beyond the golf course.

Random thoughts.

It's getting colder by the week, and I'm finding myself hungry. Hot milk with shortbread is a delight I've never expected while I was in Malaysia. But I had better avoid having shortbread too often *laughs*! This will probably be a losing battle against the winter-bulge.

Okay, hope I finish this essay by tomorrow. It's been hanging over my head for 3 weeks (they gave the assignment to us on our 2nd day), and it is actually exciting to finally make sense of all the scientific journals I've been collecting. It's always thrilling to get an essay over and done with, right *pokes*?

Hope to hear more from you guys...

Written at 05:27 p.m.
Settling down in Edinburgh
Thursday, October 23, 2003

Dear friends,

Hello *hugs*!! I'm really sorry for not updating at all ever since I landed here and wrote that short entry 3 weeks ago. Really, time seems to fly by so fast-- it feels as though I'm trying to grasp the wind.

I really had a nasty start, doing so badly in my first Microbiology test. It was a day after my birthday, at the beginning of the 2nd week of school, so I was hardly prepared, and didn't even have a firm idea of what the syllabus was like. BOOM! I was knocked down by the 200-tonne MCQ test....

And emerged the bottom of the whole medical school. I'm serious.

It was really painful, especially when my professor projected the statistics in the form of a histogram over the large lecture theatre screen. My marks were the lowest, and only one person got that mark. Of course I knew who it was. My friends were complaining that they "did so badly!!"-- they got 1 or 2 answers wrong, whereas I actually only answered 3 questions out of 10 correctly. They were considerate to stop complaining in front of me when they found out I was THE ONE.

But I think, this was the best wake-up call for me. In the first place, I didn't do justice to myself by not studying, so basically, I somehow felt very detached that day. Detached because I wasn't even emotionally involved with the preparation for the small test, but ashamed nevertheless. Imagine, it was the first time I failed, and boy, did I fail B-I-G.

I can only thank God that somehow, I got over with this. It took quite awhile to regain some shred of self-confidence, but I truly believe God wants to bless me with this painful experience. By his grace, I'll climb back.

That aside, I had such a nice birthday this year!! Four of my close friends actually came up to my room at midnight on the 13th October, with a cake!! One of them didn't even live at the halls of residence, so I was really really touched.

The during the day, my Malaysian and Singaporean friends in medical school celebrated my birthday in the common room. Imagine, even the 2nd year seniors came. I felt so special that day *laughs*! And for dinner, it was dinner at the house of my friend who didn't live at the halls. It was special, because it wasn't in the noisy dining hall, but in a simple, tiny kitchen. Just like a family dinner. I was very happy on the 13th October 2003 ^______^.

Of course, the next day, 14th, I had my test, and you know what happened.... My friends had their test on other days, but mine happened to be the day after my birthday. I wasn't prepared, oh NO, I wasn't....

Third week already, and I've settled down, finally. I joined the Fencing Club, and also the Christian Fellowship. I really enjoyed myself in these societies, so I'm looking forward to their activities. It's really encouraging that there are so many medical students in the C.F-- some of them are already in their 30s, working as doctors and one is even a surgeon! It's inspiring that they commit so much of their free time and energy to God.

There is only one thing I regret.... I did not join the Debate Union. I went for their first meeting, but it became my last when I found out that their meetings were held late at night, at a university location which is 20 minutes away from my halls of residence. I really wanted to participate, but after much rumination, I made the decision to let it pass. Next year would be better-- I would be shifting out of my halls of residence, and would be renting an apartment with my friends which hopefully will be nearer to the Debate Union's meeting place.

To my friends who have been concerned about me, thanks. I miss home terribly, and sometimes a lump forms in my throat at the oddest of times! But thank goodness, I don't feel so bad whenever I have work to do, or friends to be with. I'm finally settling down in Edinburgh... I WILL SURVIVE *blows the battle horn*!!!

Written at 10:06 p.m.